45. Home Sweet Home

Today I am nurturing my gratitude for being home. For the longest time, Kamloops did not feel like home. Which is interesting, because I thought I was used to living in different places in different countries - could be an age thing :P Took me about two years to feel at home to be honest, and now when I'm in Vancouver, it's nice to be around all the action and options available, but I also notice how much noisier everything is. And I feel so much time gets sucked up just trying to find things and keep things somewhat in order, which also could be due to the forgetfulness that has become part and parcel of parenthood. I miss my routine (can't believe I'm saying this!), did not enjoy not having my sleeping mask around, shivering almost every night before I fell asleep (since being a 'guest,' I had to cater to others' need for below room temperatures, as well as waking up at noon or later), always running up and down stairs to get something (although that was a good cardio workout), and generally not feeling safe. Within two days of being away, I was craving to come back home, longing for my own space, my own bed, my eye mask, my own thermostat. It seems like my little boy is happy to be home too :)

As soon as I walked in the home, I felt lighter, replaced by different stresses, and insomnia again, but nonetheless I feel relieved. Thank you sweet home, and I'm also thankful that I can afford a nice, decent apartment to live in.

44. PMA

I have been thinking about positive mental attitude, or PMA, since yesterday. I learned about PMA what seems like an eternity ago (12 years), as a Resident Advisor at Cornell. How one looks at things makes such a difference in how one feels, one's outlook, how one's day turns out. Yesterday, I was thinking about how lucky I am to have such a happy child in my life, who manages to make me smile at least once a day. And then I thought, 'Wow, I can still feel fortunate despite all the stressors and crises I am going through,' and felt grateful for being able to feel lucky, to not feel victimized, to see the positive in things. Predominantly because there was a time in my life when I could not feel thankful or lucky for everything good I had going on. That was about 12 years ago too.

I remember feeling like a victim, feeling sorry for myself, wondering often why bad things happened to me, I even belonged to a clan of 'Shit Sisters,' bemoaning and bragging about the 'shit' that befell us. Not to say I haven't felt sorry for myself in the past nine months, or wondered why and what the purpose of all this emotional turmoil is, what lesson I needed to learn from all this heartache, but mostly, I have been thankful, grateful for the little things that make me smile, that make me happy. I have been able to feel fortunate at least once a day, and that is a wonderful thing to feel, a proof of how far I've come along in my life journey, of all my positive growth, that working on my attitude and remaining hopeful and optimistic has definitely paid off.

It's nice to know that the balance is tipping far towards hopefulness and optimism, who'd have thought that PMA learned as a young resident advisor in college would come in handy as an adult mom, and probably for years to come? Thanks PMA!